Home › Grief and Loss Therapy
Losing someone abroad: a double distance
Grief and Loss Therapy
Grief is not an illness, and most grief does not require therapy. But a loss experienced abroad (not being able to reach the funeral in time, going through the condolences via a screen, returning to work two days later) creates its own conditions that make grieving harder.
Therapy does not serve to 'speed up' grief, but to release grief that has become stuck. When there are symptoms of prolonged grief (intense longing that does not ease after months, a life put on hold, avoidance of everything that recalls the loss), evidence-based grief therapy is applied; the themes of guilt and incompleteness within the context of living abroad are at the centre of the work.
Normal grief and prolonged grief: where is the line?
It is normal for grief to come in waves, to last for months and to flare up on special days; over time the waves grow further apart and life regains ground. In prolonged grief this movement stops: intense longing and mental preoccupation continue to determine daily functioning even months later, the person struggles to accept the reality of the loss, and life remains on hold. The distinction matters, because normal grief is supported while prolonged grief is treated: doing the same for both either pathologises unnecessarily or delays the necessary treatment.
The particular mechanism of grieving abroad
Grief is processed through rituals: the funeral, the condolences, visiting the grave, crying together. Abroad, most of these means of processing are missing: not being able to catch the flight, quarantine or visa obstacles, experiencing the condolences over the phone, no one in your surroundings who knew the person you lost. Grief without rituals tends to remain 'unfinished'; the most common trace is guilt: 'I was not there', 'I could not see them one last time'. In therapy this incompleteness is named and compensating rituals are built together: writing, a symbolic farewell, planning a postponed visit.
Loss is not only death
Migration itself is a series of losses: country, language, status, daily contact with family. Divorce, miscarriage, loss of health and 'living losses' (a parent with dementia, family cut off by estrangement) also follow the dynamics of grief. Because these losses are not recognised as 'grief' by those around us (disenfranchised grief), a person cannot legitimise their pain; the first contribution of therapy is often precisely that legitimacy.
What happens in therapy?
In prolonged grief the work proceeds along two tracks: facing the loss (telling the story of the loss without avoidance, piece by piece; where needed, processing traumatic memories of the death with EMDR) and reconnecting with life (gradually taking back roles, relationships and plans that were put on hold). Guilt themes are not interrogated but worked through: the sentence 'I could not be there for them' is placed alongside the reality of the circumstances.
Frequently asked questions
Is going to therapy for grief a sign of weakness?
Most grief does not require therapy; seeking support means recognising that the grief has moved beyond its normal course. If life is still on hold after months, an assessment is worthwhile.
Does the guilt of not being able to attend the funeral go away?
Yes; an unfinished farewell can be worked through in therapy with compensating rituals, and the intensity of the guilt clearly decreases. Because this is the most frequently addressed theme related to grieving abroad, the methods are well defined.
I experienced a traumatic loss (accident, suicide, sudden death). Does that make a difference?
Yes; with sudden and traumatic losses, grief becomes intertwined with trauma symptoms, and trauma-focused methods such as EMDR are added to the process.
When should I start?
In the acute phase (the first weeks) natural support is usually sufficient; if there are intense trauma symptoms or the picture remains static after months, there is no need to wait.
Clinical boundaries and emergencies
This page is intended for general information only. No diagnosis is made through the website and no personal treatment advice is given. In the event of an acute crisis, risk of self-harm or a threat to safety, contact 112, your general practitioner (huisarts) or the out-of-hours GP service (huisartsenpost). For a conversation, the helpline 113 Suicide Prevention (0800-0113) is available day and night.